The Wonder Whiner update -vl

Hello, everyone! Wonder Whiner here! (Patty got a superhero name, so I thought I needed one, too.)

I voted for Captain Ameriwhine, but I was voted down. —PL

Here are a couple of cute pictures of beloved foster dog Fiona. She was very shy. Remember how cute she is while you're reading the rest of this blog post. You'll need it.

Next, I just want to say thanks for your support and telling me your own tales of crap you've endured. I'm with you 100 percent. Go, team!

Before I regale you with my fabled medical history, let me tell you what scares me to death. When I was get getting radiation and chemotherapy for my last cancer, I was in the waiting room (waiting, strangely enough). I saw a lady being pushed out in a wheelchair. She looked like she was completely unaware of what was going on—she was mostly just a lump. I decided I was not going to end up like that, but it seems that little by little, fate is pushing me in that direction. Every day, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and an octopus is wearing the shoes.

First shoe: I felt heart attacky, so I went to the hospital. They ran some tests, didn't find anything wrong. But I still felt bad. OK, they said, let's do an ultrasound and get rid of this bozo. Bob, the ultrasound technician, worked hard, and Bob (we still whisper his name) found a shadow. The shadow turned out to be a tumor the size of a baseball on my kidney. Boy, that got stuff started. Three days later, the doctor removed my kidney. The diagnosis: Renal cell carcinoma. If it is encapsulated, we're good. If not, you're dead. Result: You're good. You just have to be careful about things that affect your kidney. (Clunk)

"Clunk" is the sound of a shoe dropping, which you probably figured out. -PL

Next shoe: I had some chest pain after playing tennis. I couldn't even walk uphill without pain. Diagnosis: Coronary artery disease. You need a stent on the widowmaker. If you had had a heart attack, you'd be dead. As it was, you had a heart incident, so you're good. You just have to take a few meds. (Clunk)

Next shoe: Went to an iPod class with Patty. Collapsed ... even shut down the iPod store. Died for 20 minutes in the hospital. At least, that's what they tell me. Beats me. I don't remember anything until I got home two weeks later. Diagnosis: Ventricular tachycardia. Defibrillator implanted. Result: You have to take more meds and have more doctor visits. (Clunk)

Next shoe: I had this funny feeling at the base of my tongue. "I think my uvula has grown." Went to a plethora of doctors. (How many is a plethora?) No one could find anything. Later, when I started bleeding from my throat, my otolaryngologist drove a tractor down my throat and said, "Aha! Cancer! Let's get this going immediately." Treatment: Radiation and chemotherapy for seven weeks. "We have to be especially careful because of your defibrillator."  (Clunk) Result: After five years it's for sure gone. I came! I saw! I kicked its ass! 

Next shoe: Someone hit me in the chest with a baseball bat. "Wonder what that is," I said. "Wait, maybe it's my defibrillator." Yep! Then follows a couple of years trying to fix my heart, including three ablations and implanting a pacemaker. So now I'm running completely on batteries, taking myriad meds at exact times, and my heart—even though it is working—isn't working that well. (Clunk)

Last shoe, for now: I was having pain under my tongue when I ate spicy food. Doctor says, "OK, I can't see anything, but let's try some meds." Nothing seemed to get rid of the thing completely. It got better and then worse. Finally, doctor says, "We have one other thing, but just to be safe, let's run a biopsy. It doesn't act like cancer." [One day later] Doctor: "It's cancer." Me: "Damn!!!! Is it back?" Doctor: "No. This is a new one!" [one week later] Surgeon: "We need to do surgery, and we won't know how bad it is until you're under. If we could run an MRI, we could tell exactly. Too bad you have a pacemaker. We can't do MRIs with that." (Clunk)

I'm turning into a house plant, and I'm not happy about it.

Love to all of you.

Wonder Whiner out